Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
