Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
