Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
