New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
