u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
