So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
