i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
