I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
