Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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