Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
