New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
