I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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