woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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