Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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