I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
