I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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