Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
