She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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