I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
