I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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