I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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