My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
