I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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