I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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