I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
