I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
this hospital has no fireball
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
