I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
