We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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