She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Randomize
