I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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