from now on my penis is your penis
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
