My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
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