I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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