Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
