Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
