All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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