then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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