Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
