That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
