we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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