so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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