Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
