My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
