did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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