the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
