She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
