9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
