Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
