I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
