My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
