Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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