There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
