at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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