There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
her vagine was all disorganized.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
